


Pacifists Are the Best Mediators

by charmingStrangeness



Series: Sakamoto Week 2017 [7]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Bickering, Gen, Joui War, Light-Hearted, Prompt Fic, Swearing, sakamoto week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmingStrangeness/pseuds/charmingStrangeness
Summary: In which Tatsuma joins a war, only to end up intervening in a second, smaller war between two particularly hot-headed captains.Written forSakamoto Week 2017Day 7 - Free Day





	Pacifists Are the Best Mediators

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun earlier this month with [this dialogue prompt](http://happylilprompts.tumblr.com/post/158808121759/find-your-dialogue-prompt) so I decided to use it again for the heck of it
> 
> Using the T from Tatsuma and the 15 from his birthday, Nov 15th, the prompt I arrived at was: “Did you just murder someone?!” / “I have a headache” 
> 
> Enjoy!

It takes Tatsuma all of a minute after officially meeting the Joui captains on the beach to figure out that Takasugi and Sakata have some kind of intense rivalry going on. Just because he's a tactless bastard doesn’t mean he’s not perceptive – not that one needs to be particularly perceptive to arrive to that conclusion, mind you; subtlety is clearly not a part of their definition of competitiveness. 

Their bickering is highly entertaining at first, but as the day wears on and they don’t stop arguing for a single second of it, Tatsuma’s amusement fades into annoyance, and finally blooms into concern, to the point that he eventually gives in and asks Katsura, nervously, if the army will be okay having two of their generals engaged in some kind of feud. Katsura simply waves it off with a nonchalant ‘ _it’s fine, that’s just how they are’_ , though, and who is Tatsuma to not trust in a childhood companion of the two rivals in question? That ought to put the matter to rest, leaving Tatsuma to focus instead on other things, like the massive knot of anxiety that’s been wrapped around his chest ever since his father told him he was sending him, a teenage merchant with zero military experience whatsoever, to fight in a major war.

That ought to put the matter to rest, and it does, until Sakata and Takasugi get into a _real_ fight.

It’s the morning of his second day in the army, and Tatsuma is just trying to enjoy a simple breakfast with his new companions around the campfire when the initial squabble breaks out. In his peripheral vision, he notices both Sakata and Takasugi reaching simultaneously for the pot of leftover rice, and in all honesty less than 24 hours feels far too short to already be this accustomed to their antics but Tatsuma already _knows_ what’s going to happen next. Indeed, the rest of the scene plays out exactly as expected – two hands grasp the shamoji handle, two pairs of eyes exchang a burning death glare, and the next thing everyone knows the pot’s been upended onto Takasugi’s feet and the rice paddle is being thrust into Sakata’s stomach as if it’s a proper weapon and not just a utensil.

“Oi. You trying to kill me or something?” There’s a note of danger in Sakata’s voice.

Takasugi scowls back at him. “Are you _seriously_  getting mad at _me_ when _you_ spilled the rest of the rice on the ground?” 

“ _I_ spilled the rice? This is _your_ fault.” 

“How the _fuck_  is this _my_ fault?” 

“I was going for seconds first, and then your impatient ass just had to try and butt in, which resulted in this mess. So as you can see, it’s your fault, Takasugi- _kun_.” 

“Are you blind? I moved first, _you’re_ the one who butted in!” 

“You’re the one who’s blind, stabbing me with a shamoji. Did you mistake it for your sword, idiot?” 

_“You wanna see my sword, you bastard?”_ In a flash, Takasugi is on his feet with a hand on the hilt of his katana, ready to draw, and Tatsuma’s heart is pounding – all the arguing and insults in the world couldn’t have prepared him for this development. Before he can start panicking over whether Takasugi is going to start a _literal actual duel_ in the middle of their camp, however, Katsura sighs deeply and stands.

“Gintoki. Takasugi.” His voice is firm and commanding, and Tatsuma leans forward expectantly, curious as to how the childhood friend of the two volatile rivals will intervene. “If you’re going to fight like this, at least do it away from the campsite. You’ve already ruined our breakfast once today.” Katsura promptly sits back down and continues to eat as if nothing even happened.

That’s… not the intervention Tatsuma had been expecting; in fact, it barely even qualifies as intervening. And yet, it seems to have worked – Takasugi is giving a haughty sniff, and Sakata is muttering a snarky _‘shut up Zura you’re not our mother’_ under his breath, but both men are stalking off into the surrounding trees, away from the main campsite. “It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” Katsura shouts after them as their backs disappear into the forest.

Calm descends on the campsite as breakfast continues right where it left off, and Tatsuma begins to wonder if he’d imagined the whole ordeal, since no one else seems to be acknowledging that it occurred. But no, the pot is still there, spilling rice all over the ground. 

“Uh… Katsura? Are they gonna be okay?” Tatsuma asks hesitantly. 

Katsura shrugs. “They’ll work it out… or one of them will finally cut down the other, and I’ll cut down the survivor for wasting good rice like that.” A flash of something horrifyingly _dark_ passes through Katsura’s expression briefly before disappearing without a trace, but not before inspiring the frigid throes of abject terror to seep into Tatsuma’s blood. Katsura chews on his rice, a picture of serenity, and Tatsuma chokes on his.

“Ah, Sakamoto, are you alright?” Katsura looks on with worry as Tatsuma clears his throat.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine, haha!” Definitely fine, and not at _all_ worried about how a trio of childhood friends who are all apparently out for each other’s blood is supposed to run an entire army (or about how he’s supposed to fit in with the three of them under _that_ dynamic, for that matter). “Just some rice went down the wrong tube, that’s all.” 

Katsura nods, and they continue to eat in silence for all of thirty more seconds before Tatsuma finally gives in and puts down his bowl.

“They may be incorrigible idiots, but they’re not _actually_ going to kill each other,” Katsura sighs as Tatsuma stands and turns in the direction Takasugi and Sakata had left in moments earlier. “No one can stop them when they get like this, anyways. Sometimes it’s best to just let them vent it out.” 

A little bit of tension bleeds out of Tatsuma’s shoulders, and he smiles fondly. “I’m sure you’re right. But as fun as it is to watch them bicker like an old married couple, I’d hate to see them get hurt over something so small.” 

“That’s a bit ironic, coming from someone who’s here to fund an entire war,” Katsura says wryly.

Tatsuma just laughs. “What can I say? I’m a pacifist, Katsura. The war is bad enough on its own; we don’t need infighting among its generals too.” And with that, he sets off into the trees.

He’s not entirely sure where they went or how far away they wandered, so Tatsuma just walks straight out into the forest and hopes he’ll stumble across them eventually. It’s not long before his prayers are answered – after only a minute or two, he hears a shout and the harsh clash of steel in the distance and dials up his pace to a run. 

Following the sounds of the fight quickly brings him bursting into a small clearing, just as a loud cry of pain rips from Takasugi’s throat. Tatsuma watches in shock as he collapses to the ground. Standing above him, Sakata calmly sheathes his sword, and Tatsuma suddenly realizes, in growing horror, that Katsura was incredibly wrong about not needing to worry about them.

“Oh? You’re here.” Sakata has turned around and is walking away from where Takasugi is laying on the ground.

“Did— did you just murder him?!” The words spill out before Tatsuma can bite them back. 

“I have a headache,” Sakata replies, pushing a hand against his forehead and running it back through his silver curls. “Pain in the ass idiot, making me exert so much effort first thing in the damn morning.” Whether it’s an idle comment, or an excuse for taking down a friend, Tatsuma isn’t sure.

However, he isn’t allowed much time to mull over Sakata’s cryptic response – Takasugi is picking himself up off the ground, and before Tatsuma can even process it he’s charging towards them, the killing intent in his eyes plain as day.

“Sakata, watch out!!” 

“Hm?” 

Sakata turns to look over his shoulder, but Tatsuma has already launched himself towards the incoming threat; it’s like his legs had known that Sakata’s reaction would be a hair too late had chosen to move of their own accord. Takasugi’s sword is pointed at Sakata, so Tatsuma barely even has to dodge it in order to catch Takasugi in his arms. A brief, passing thought suggests that tackling Takasugi is probably not the smartest idea since he doesn’t know what injuries the guy might already have, so Tatsuma hoists him into the air instead and tosses him over his shoulder. 

The three samurai exist frozen in place for half a second, completely stunned by this turn of events, and then the world explodes into a frenzy of enraged shouting from Takasugi.

“Put me down! _Put me down!_ What do you think you’re doing?! Who do you think you are? You can’t just pick me up like this! I am the Kiheitai commander! _Put me down this instant!”_

“You’re an angry sack of potatoes, is what you are,” Tatsuma admonishes. “I’ll put you down when you calm down and stop trying to murder your comrade.” 

Behind them, Sakata bursts into maniacal laughter. “Oh my— oh my _god,_ holy fuck, an _angry sack of potatoes,_ Sakamoto you absolute _genius_ —” 

“Shut up, shut the _fuck_  up Gintoki, you bast… ard…” Takasugi suddenly trails off into silence, and Tatsuma notices that Sakata’s laughter has stopped as well. 

Tatsuma turns around, and Katsura is standing at the edge of the clearing, mouth slightly agape and head slightly tilted.

“What. Are you doing.” 

Tatsuma isn’t quite sure how to answer that. “Mediating?” 

“Oh,” Katsura says. “I see.” 

Then he snickers, and his shoulders begin to shake and Katsura is full out _laughing._ And just like that, all the tension diffuses out of the clearing – Sakata is doubled over, and even Takasugi is chuckling. 

Satisfied that the danger of anyone killing anyone else has officially passed (for the time being, at least), Tatsuma leans forward and drops Takasugi onto the ground, somewhat gently. “Sorry about that, Takasugi,” he says sheepishly. “I just kind of. Moved without thinking.” 

“Just don’t pick me up _ever_  again, idiot.” Takasugi is probably trying to sound intimidating, but the fact that his face is lit up with a sunny smile is somewhat ruining the effect. 

“No, don’t listen to him. Please, please do that again sometime.” Sakata’s voice is still quaking with glee.

“Now, now, I can’t go picking sides when I’m supposed to be mediating, Sakata—” 

“Gintoki.” Sakata cuts him off. “Don’t be so formal, Tatsuma.” 

“A-ah, sure!” Tatsuma can’t help the wide grin that creeps onto his face.

Saka— _Gintoki,_ Gintoki returns the smile, and continues. “The other two bastards don’t do first names, but nicknames are fine. Like Zura. Or—” somewhere in the backdrop there’s an affronted shout of _'not Zura, Katsura!’,_ and Gintoki’s smile spreads into an evil grin— “Takachibi, since, y’know, he’s so sh—” 

_“Do you want to die?”_

Tatsuma snatches the back of Takasugi’s collar before he can throw himself at Gintoki again as the other two erupt into laughter, and Tatsuma catches himself thinking that maybe, _just maybe,_ with these idiots by his side, fighting a war might not be so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's a wrap on Sakamoto Week! Huge thanks to everyone who read, left kudos and commented on my fics this week <333 And if you enjoyed any of my writing, good news: I have a handful of Gintama WIPs right now so I'll be back over the course of the summer with more stuff :D
> 
> As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to leave a comment here or drop by [charmingstrangeness](http://charmingstrangeness.tumblr.com/) on tumblr
> 
> Thanks for reading!! <3


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